Today, I spent all-day with one of my good friends.
It was a reading day today. I honestly don't know why they call it that, not a whole lot of reading goes on.
I got an email from Cecilly, it was explaining song lyrics that we had recently listen to. It talked about vulnerability, and I kind of went soap box drama on her. This is part of what I wrote her:
"I have never really thought about how being vulnerable can be beautiful. I have always wanted to be the perfect person, I don't want to show people my faults. People find that hard to connect to. Yes, it is something that they admire, but on a different, more personal level, there can be no connection there. It is almost like the prophets of today. They seem so perfect, and I strive to be like them, but would I really want an apostle as a friend? Probably not, they are so much above me and so much of what I am lacking, that it is hard to connect. But when apostles tell people stories where they don't succeed, where they do something "wrong" you see them differently. They are human, you can connect. You see that they can make mistakes, you realize that there is hope for you."
I feel cool quoting myself. Soon after this, my friend and I went to our "dinner group", oh how assumptions were made. It is so funny how people of the opposite sex can't be friends.
Given the history we have had together, it is understandable, but, don't make assumptions if you have no idea what's going on. Heck, I don't even. But, today, in the the library, I made a goal, a challenge, if you will.
I wrote on my laptop, on an orange sticky note, "DON'T THINK...ACT". Although this mantra does not apply to everything in life, I think it applies perfectly to what is going on in my life. I need to stop thinking about things, I have done that enough. I need to act, stop thinking about my life, and lamenting, just finally LIVING life is what I need to strive to do.
Enough with the thinking, now for the doing. This is my goal.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Learning from Procrastinating
So, you will probably think this is a post about procrastination and how I learned never to do it again…think again my friend.
I am in History 421, which is called "The History of Handwriting", I have really like this class. Not only because there was almost no homework in the class, but the main thing we did in the class was taking a document and deciphered the handwriting. Because I have taken a calligraphy class, I was familiar with the different "hands" of writing. Unfortunately, this love of history and handwriting kind of died in the middle of the semester. Kaput. My editing classes began to take greater precedence over history, and at one point, even sewing was the focus of my time. Sick huh?
Because of this lack of my time, I began to fall behind in my history class. At the end of the semester, we have this HUGE project that supposedly, we have been working on all semester. Funny. I even managed to miss my meeting with my professor to talk about my project because I had not even taken a look at my proposal since September. Long story short, I was in BIG do-do. Part of the assignment was to find a topic that you wanted to learn more about (in 18th century London), I chose something pretty random because I like to look at the small things in history. I am not a big picture kind of historian. I like to look at obscure topics in history. I feel that you learn more about a society when you look at their medical history, or the books they used to learn how to read, or, for this project, what they did and how they managed to keep roads clean and paved.
I had thought that I had found all the documents that I needed and all I had to do was just sit and decipher the hand. O how I was wrong. I only had 800 words, I needed 2,000. I spent about three hours in the library looking for documents. To my dismay, there were a ton of documents that I could use, the problem: they were all in Salt Lake, about an hour drive. I didn't have that kind of time. I knew I was sunk. But there was nothing else I could do. I had to go.
So my trek to the Salty City began.
I ran out of my apartment at 2:15 because I was talking to Cecilly, she and I have really bonded lately, she makes me think, which will be addressed in another post. To my horror, I found that the Family History Library in SLC closed at FIVE. I would have less than an hour and a half to find documents and park and everything. I literally sped along the way to Salt Lake, I may or may not have been going an average speed of 95-100 mph the whole way.
As I arrived in Salt Lake, I ran inside the FHL and I could feel a sense of doom. I had no idea what I was looking for, I didn't know where anything was. I was a dead woman walking.
I got the floor I needed to start looking, and a sister missionary kindly started asking me questions about what I was looking for. I must have looked like a mad woman because I was soon surrounded by three missionaries. I hadn't even asked for their help. They didn't even say anything and I could just sense the love that they had for me. I didn't even know their names, I didn't know who they were, but the spirit was so strong in them.
They calmed my troubled heart; they made me really think about what I was doing there. I was so frantic when I left my apartment, I forgot my wallet—and my money. I had to make copies of the documents and I had no money. I almost sat down and started crying. Then, a sister missionary took me by the hand and whispered to me, "I got this—we do this all the time, its service." She didn't even give me a chance to refuse.
Going to the FHL, was a blessing in itself. I was amazed at how missionaries have so much love in them. And I know its because they are filled with the spirit of God. I was so overcome by their sweet spirits, and I will admit, I was jealous. I wanted to be like them.
I realized that maybe, even though I joke about being a bitter old person, I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be like that now. I want to look for the good in people. I want to bring out the best in people. I want to be an old woman that smells like freshly baked apply-pie (which I did make today!) and people gravitate towards because of their sweet spirit. Maybe, in thirty years, I will be there.
Just maybe.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Really...REALLY?!?!?
I have been losing my mind lately. More than usual. I’ve been just buzzin’ around like a lil’ happy bee and the end of the semester pretty much came out of nowhere and I’ve crashed head-first into it. I am the bug on the windshield. SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT.
Yuck.
I may have been not prioritizing my time well, or what, but WTF happened? I was fine last week, I knew things were coming up, but seriously, what happened?
Monday night, I stayed up at the library until 2 am doing last minute projects and write-ups. I may have done something that, when it happened, I thought it was hilarious, but looking back, I am not particularly proud. There was a group of giggly girls on the second floor where I was studying with Whitney. They were so loud and it was hard to get into a mode of concentration. I have this weird habit of defacing library advertisements that are placed in the middle of the study tables. I took one of those and wrote:
Ask yourselves this question, search deep in your hearts
Are you here to study
or socialize??
If it’s the latter, do yourselves and everyone a favor and leave…
Mean, I know. Couldn’t help it. I get psycho when it comes to people being stupid in the library. That’s cool you see people you know, but don’t sit in periodicals or a QUIET study zone laughing your head off and rubbing it in everyone else faces that YOU are cool, that YOU have friends. Do people not notice that EVERYBODY BUT them is silent? Do they not notice the dirty looks people are shooting them?
Sometimes I am shocked at how people are so RUDE. I am not even sure if that is the right word to use, its more like TOTALLY UNAWARE OF THEIR SURROUNDINGS. It’s like yesterday, I was in the periodicals, which is known to be one of the quietest places in the library. A guy’s phone rang and he had a full on conversation in the library. He didn’t even get up to leave, he was totally fine just sitting there and talking in a regular voice. I am not bitter about it or anything.
But if you are going to be living in the library like me this next week, be kind and read this list of LIBRARY ETTIQUITE.
1) Speak in an inside voice. Nobody wants to hear you screaming about that cute girl you asked out or that totally nice boy that you hung out with .
2) Library chit-chats are a no-no. If you see a friend you haven’t seen in a long time, good for you. Get their number, invite them to walk with you to get a drink, facechat with them. Save your conversations for outside the library.
3) Get your quiet zones straight. Periodicals, Second Floor music section, anywhere where you see people hunkered down staring intently at a book usually means it’s a quiet zone.
4) Be aware... of those around you. If you wouldn’t want to hear about someone’s dating life while you are studying (that you don’t even know), I’m sure that they wouldn’t want to hear about yours.
5) Group study areas were created for a reason.
6) Keep your PDA down to a minimum. No one cares that you have a gf that you love holding hands with. Is holding her hand really going to make you study more effectively?
Tips for those that get annoyed easily in the Library
1) Get earplugs,
2) Try a cubicle.
3) Give people a 5 minute grace period and tell them (nicely) to SHUT IT.
I am not saying that I am perfect in my library etiquette, but I like to think that I at least try. Here’s to this next week of trying not to kill yourself about finals.
Be great, do good.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
TRUE FWENDS
Fwends.
I wuv my friends.
I once again have discovered the meaning of friendship. This week, I learned, again, what it means to BE a friend. Not only to HAVE friends. Lately, I have been expecting people to be MY friend, to do things for me. And, what does friendship mean to me??
Friendship means that your roomies will give up their internet cords for you. Friendship means that you stay up until 2:30 eating tots. Friendship means that you will watch Thumbalina. Frienship means you will run to Macey's to go get a box of mac and cheese. Friendship means changing a country song because you know your roomie hates country. Friendship means calling someone at 6 am to make sure they wake up for a test.Friendship means you can tell someone that when they pull the bathroom curtain back, it annoys you. Freindship means 1 am Wal-mart runs. Friendship means helping your roomie find their diet mountain dew. Friendships means calling someone after a bad test and consoling them. Friendship means not judging when your whole apartment is filled with crap food.
Friendship means a lot of things...
and life is all about discovering what friendship means to you.
I wuv my friends.
I once again have discovered the meaning of friendship. This week, I learned, again, what it means to BE a friend. Not only to HAVE friends. Lately, I have been expecting people to be MY friend, to do things for me. And, what does friendship mean to me??
Friendship means that your roomies will give up their internet cords for you. Friendship means that you stay up until 2:30 eating tots. Friendship means that you will watch Thumbalina. Frienship means you will run to Macey's to go get a box of mac and cheese. Friendship means changing a country song because you know your roomie hates country. Friendship means calling someone at 6 am to make sure they wake up for a test.Friendship means you can tell someone that when they pull the bathroom curtain back, it annoys you. Freindship means 1 am Wal-mart runs. Friendship means helping your roomie find their diet mountain dew. Friendships means calling someone after a bad test and consoling them. Friendship means not judging when your whole apartment is filled with crap food.
Friendship means a lot of things...
and life is all about discovering what friendship means to you.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Miscommunication Makes Me Mortified--and a bunch of other meaningless mournings
So, my goals for myself are going quite well if I do say so myself.
1)Smiling, this one is actually becoming FUN! Isn't that just the strangest idea? But I think this one may have taken a turn for the worst. I find myself grinning bigger to see how uncomfortable I can make someone. Rude? I think so. But it's making me happy, and most people genuinely look happy when I look happy. I guess its some chain reaction...yesss!
2) Find a reason to laugh when things get stressful. Say the word sewing, and I will roll on the floor laughing my head off. Sewing=the devil.
3) Don't be angry for more than two hours. HA!HAHAHAHAH! Remember two posts ago when I was crying about how my friend didn't want to be my friend...well, good sir/lady...I am an I-D-I-O-T.
Seriously, if you look up idiot in the dictionary, it will read, see Neltje Maynez. Apparently my friend wasn't mad at me at all, they had just fallen asleep on the phone. Goes to show that stressing out about when someone is "mad" at you is only good if they say it to your face. This really made me think about my communication skills. Quite frankly, they suck. Hardcore.
I feel that people don't really "get" me unless they have spent a lot of time with me. Sure, I can talk to people and stuff. But I am always sarcastic and biting when I first meet people. I put up this really tough exterior and to some people it seems mean, but that's how I am. Once I decide that someone is worth having around, I will do anything in my power to make that person happy. And here's the thing, I am NOT A TOUCHY FEELY type of person. That's just not who I am. For me to hug someone, to pat someone, to be able to sit close to them, I have to really know and care for them. Even then, it is hard for me to do. This for other people can be seen as me being stuck-up because I don't want to be close to them, it is just because I can't. One of my friends this year, and people that I went to the D.R. with have really helped me identify this and accept it. And touching people is not how I show I care.
How do I show that I care? I show it by notes, by little gifts. Ask my roomies and my buds, notes are my thing. Something that they can see and touch. For me, a note is so much more heartfelt than a hug. Weird, whatever.
Here's another thing about communication: I have had about three people tell me, ok, two were disastrous lovers and the other was a really cute guy in my racquetball class, it was hard to tell if I am/was mad. I guess when I say things, people think I am mad. They say I am mean...with a smile on my face. That's just how I communicate, that's how I joke with people. Maybe people need to get a sense of humor, or I just have dumb acquaintances, and that's probably it didn't work out with those two guys...I think it's weird, if you don't know I am mad, you don't know me. You really don't. I think that I am quite an easy person to figure out, just spend time with me.
:)
1)Smiling, this one is actually becoming FUN! Isn't that just the strangest idea? But I think this one may have taken a turn for the worst. I find myself grinning bigger to see how uncomfortable I can make someone. Rude? I think so. But it's making me happy, and most people genuinely look happy when I look happy. I guess its some chain reaction...yesss!
2) Find a reason to laugh when things get stressful. Say the word sewing, and I will roll on the floor laughing my head off. Sewing=the devil.
3) Don't be angry for more than two hours. HA!HAHAHAHAH! Remember two posts ago when I was crying about how my friend didn't want to be my friend...well, good sir/lady...I am an I-D-I-O-T.
Seriously, if you look up idiot in the dictionary, it will read, see Neltje Maynez. Apparently my friend wasn't mad at me at all, they had just fallen asleep on the phone. Goes to show that stressing out about when someone is "mad" at you is only good if they say it to your face. This really made me think about my communication skills. Quite frankly, they suck. Hardcore.
I feel that people don't really "get" me unless they have spent a lot of time with me. Sure, I can talk to people and stuff. But I am always sarcastic and biting when I first meet people. I put up this really tough exterior and to some people it seems mean, but that's how I am. Once I decide that someone is worth having around, I will do anything in my power to make that person happy. And here's the thing, I am NOT A TOUCHY FEELY type of person. That's just not who I am. For me to hug someone, to pat someone, to be able to sit close to them, I have to really know and care for them. Even then, it is hard for me to do. This for other people can be seen as me being stuck-up because I don't want to be close to them, it is just because I can't. One of my friends this year, and people that I went to the D.R. with have really helped me identify this and accept it. And touching people is not how I show I care.
How do I show that I care? I show it by notes, by little gifts. Ask my roomies and my buds, notes are my thing. Something that they can see and touch. For me, a note is so much more heartfelt than a hug. Weird, whatever.
Here's another thing about communication: I have had about three people tell me, ok, two were disastrous lovers and the other was a really cute guy in my racquetball class, it was hard to tell if I am/was mad. I guess when I say things, people think I am mad. They say I am mean...with a smile on my face. That's just how I communicate, that's how I joke with people. Maybe people need to get a sense of humor, or I just have dumb acquaintances, and that's probably it didn't work out with those two guys...I think it's weird, if you don't know I am mad, you don't know me. You really don't. I think that I am quite an easy person to figure out, just spend time with me.
:)
Thursday, December 2, 2010
I'm Going to squeeze every last drop out of LIFE....
So, as horrible as the title of this post may sound, this is my new goal. I want to live everyday like its my last. Don't get worried people, I mean it in the sense, that I am not going to get my panties in a bunch about little things. I am going to be forgiving, I am going to SQUEEZE EVERY LAST DROP OUT OF LIFE.
So last post I was griping about the things that are wrong with me. Then I realized, you know what...my life could suck a whole lot more. Why get strung up about something so lame? Obviously it was/is something that really matters to me, but why spend my energy on something that probably didn't even make the other person lose any sleep over? Sounds silly to me. Big picture here. Big picture.
After going to bed at *cough cough* five am...(being a sad, sorry loser--at least in my view) and getting up at eight to frantically run to my sewing class, I realized that life is...well...fantastic, amazing, hard , fun, challenging, stressful, unforgetable... THE BEST THING THAT I COULD EVER HOPE FOR. It's all about what you chose to do in a situation that defines who you are. And you know what...despite the fact that it's almost been 24 hours since I have last taken a shower, and that I have slept in my clothes that I worked out in, I couldn't feel better. Cleaner--yes, and smelling better--DEFINATELY yes.
But, here's the thing, it's all about your mindset. It really is. I don't know how long I have been denying that fact, but it's so absofreakingly true. I haven't been back to my apartment for about 12 hours. And you know, I miss it. I miss it bad. But then, I got to see my brother, I got to meet a new friend, I was productive.
And I decided, that, in order to get the most juice out of life, I am going to have to change some things. Here's my list:
1) Smile. As cliche and lame as this sounds, smiling makes you feel so much better about yourself. I have had three people in the last couple of days tell me that when I smile, it makes me 100 times more approchable.
2) Find a reason to laugh when things get stressful.
3) Don't be angry about something more than two hours.
4) Do a random act of kindness for a stranger.
5) Workout/play at least an hour a day
6)BE THANKFUL for everything I have given. Truly, I have nothing to be crying about. I am off to keep this list! :)
So last post I was griping about the things that are wrong with me. Then I realized, you know what...my life could suck a whole lot more. Why get strung up about something so lame? Obviously it was/is something that really matters to me, but why spend my energy on something that probably didn't even make the other person lose any sleep over? Sounds silly to me. Big picture here. Big picture.
After going to bed at *cough cough* five am...(being a sad, sorry loser--at least in my view) and getting up at eight to frantically run to my sewing class, I realized that life is...well...fantastic, amazing, hard , fun, challenging, stressful, unforgetable... THE BEST THING THAT I COULD EVER HOPE FOR. It's all about what you chose to do in a situation that defines who you are. And you know what...despite the fact that it's almost been 24 hours since I have last taken a shower, and that I have slept in my clothes that I worked out in, I couldn't feel better. Cleaner--yes, and smelling better--DEFINATELY yes.
But, here's the thing, it's all about your mindset. It really is. I don't know how long I have been denying that fact, but it's so absofreakingly true. I haven't been back to my apartment for about 12 hours. And you know, I miss it. I miss it bad. But then, I got to see my brother, I got to meet a new friend, I was productive.
And I decided, that, in order to get the most juice out of life, I am going to have to change some things. Here's my list:
1) Smile. As cliche and lame as this sounds, smiling makes you feel so much better about yourself. I have had three people in the last couple of days tell me that when I smile, it makes me 100 times more approchable.
2) Find a reason to laugh when things get stressful.
3) Don't be angry about something more than two hours.
4) Do a random act of kindness for a stranger.
5) Workout/play at least an hour a day
6)BE THANKFUL for everything I have given. Truly, I have nothing to be crying about. I am off to keep this list! :)
Caring too much can Kill.
Well, today was...HILARIOUS!...to say the least.
I went and worked out with one of my friends today, and it was fun and all, but the lil' butt forgot his swim suit and we had to drive back to the apartment to grab it. We ended up getting into the pool around 6:40...but you know what?!?! I honestly didn't mind, it was all about joy in the journey. I thought it was hilarious. :)
My day was full of unproductive activites, which were all beyond fun. I went shopping for Christmas presents for the apartment, I was unsuccessful, but I did have some inspiration. But, then things took a turn for the worst...
I went to Dance lab with Cecilly, I got all purty and dressed up. We had a plan to coerse one of our friends to come with us, because we "wanted his body there", but that failed. Cecilly invited me to go to the temple with her, and I happily obliged. We were also accompanied by the best roomie ever, Whitney.
Cecilly made the mistake of asking Whit and I if we had ever heard of the movie, "Mr. Krougar's Christmas", this was the springboard to madness. For some reason, I thought of FREDDY KROUGAR'S CHRISTMAS.
This resulted in fits of laughter. I have never laughed so hard in the temple. I think it was a bad thing. For reals. I probably should never go to the temple with Cecilly again. It got so bad that I had to get up and leave the room because I was dying...of laughter.
We drove home in the S.s. Cecilly. At one point, Cecilly yelled to me, "GET OUT OF MY CAR!!!" I gladly followed her advice and was left stranded in the middle of the road, in my Sunday dress! Not to mention, it was like zero degrees outside. By that point, I decided to call one of my friends, but he, unfortunatley, was busy. He missed out.
I get back to the apartment, Cecilly was kind enough to let me back into the car, and take me back. This is where things got ugly...
My friend called me back. I have had a...quite interesting relationship with this person. To say the least, I care about that person...a lot. It may be boarder-line obsessive. (I love that person as much as I love my roommates, and that's a whole-lotta-love). The person called me, and I was convincing them to come running with us. (For some satanic reason, we have gotten excited about working out in the frigid cold...at NIGHT) The conversation was as follows (on the phone):
"Hey, is Kristie there? Did you get my message?"
"Yeah, sorry, she just left. I was studying."
"Do you want to come work out tonight?"
"No."
"What about tomorrow??"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I have class tomorrow early, and I need to do homework."
"But can't you just get up early and study?"
"Umm....hey is that Cobin in the apartment?"
"Yea..."
"Can I come over? I love him!"
"Yeah! Come over and we can talk..."
"I can't, I am in my bed. I am going to sleep"
*Facial expression...say whaaaa??*
"Um...just come over?"
"No, I am going to sleep."
"You know what, you sound annoyed, I'll leave you alone"
*CLICK*
Can you guess which one was me? Yeah, I hung up on my friend. I don't know what possesed me to do that. I am really disappointed in myself.
Two minutes later...text message: "I wasn't even annoyed...until you hung up on me."
I called back. I said I was sorry. All I got was a mumble, and an ominious *click*. I am not sure if he was asleep or just didn't want to hear my crap. And this made me feel awful. The person is one of my best friends, and I can't bear to be so mean...
Regret. Sometimes I just go crazy. I care for someone so much, I can't handle them not wanting to hang out with me. I think it has to do with my self-esteem. I assume that if that person doesn't want to do something with me, they automatically hate me. That is the worst thing ever. I can't help myself. I shouldn't require or want constant attention from people I care about. It's all about balance.
Well, this got me so angry, that I couldn't stay in the apartment. Because we were planning on running, I just decided that it would be better for me to start the run. I had to get my anger out, and running, strangely enough, made me feel better. I don't know what it was, the cold air, my adrenaline pumping, but I cleared my mind...and my heart. But, I was so angry (about something so stupid) that yes, I did, I ran the path of rape hill. I was feeling so crappy that I just wanted to get hurt. I wanted something to happen to me. I felt that no one would care--or even notice. Of course, these thoughts are completely irrational and crazy, but I just couldn't help it.
I sat on a bench in the walkway and sobbed. I was angry at myself for being so mean, for being so insensitive, for reacting like a psycho. I prayed to my Heavenly Father asking him for help. I never have felt to vulnerable in my life. Never have I wanted to be accepted by someone so badly.
I ran back to the stairs where my lovely, angelic roommates were calling my name and going crazy looking for me. I love them. But I only wish I could fix the problem I created. I don't know why I care so much about this person.
It is now 4 am. I can't sleep. But I don't know what to do...
I went and worked out with one of my friends today, and it was fun and all, but the lil' butt forgot his swim suit and we had to drive back to the apartment to grab it. We ended up getting into the pool around 6:40...but you know what?!?! I honestly didn't mind, it was all about joy in the journey. I thought it was hilarious. :)
My day was full of unproductive activites, which were all beyond fun. I went shopping for Christmas presents for the apartment, I was unsuccessful, but I did have some inspiration. But, then things took a turn for the worst...
I went to Dance lab with Cecilly, I got all purty and dressed up. We had a plan to coerse one of our friends to come with us, because we "wanted his body there", but that failed. Cecilly invited me to go to the temple with her, and I happily obliged. We were also accompanied by the best roomie ever, Whitney.
Cecilly made the mistake of asking Whit and I if we had ever heard of the movie, "Mr. Krougar's Christmas", this was the springboard to madness. For some reason, I thought of FREDDY KROUGAR'S CHRISTMAS.
This resulted in fits of laughter. I have never laughed so hard in the temple. I think it was a bad thing. For reals. I probably should never go to the temple with Cecilly again. It got so bad that I had to get up and leave the room because I was dying...of laughter.
We drove home in the S.s. Cecilly. At one point, Cecilly yelled to me, "GET OUT OF MY CAR!!!" I gladly followed her advice and was left stranded in the middle of the road, in my Sunday dress! Not to mention, it was like zero degrees outside. By that point, I decided to call one of my friends, but he, unfortunatley, was busy. He missed out.
I get back to the apartment, Cecilly was kind enough to let me back into the car, and take me back. This is where things got ugly...
My friend called me back. I have had a...quite interesting relationship with this person. To say the least, I care about that person...a lot. It may be boarder-line obsessive. (I love that person as much as I love my roommates, and that's a whole-lotta-love). The person called me, and I was convincing them to come running with us. (For some satanic reason, we have gotten excited about working out in the frigid cold...at NIGHT) The conversation was as follows (on the phone):
"Hey, is Kristie there? Did you get my message?"
"Yeah, sorry, she just left. I was studying."
"Do you want to come work out tonight?"
"No."
"What about tomorrow??"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I have class tomorrow early, and I need to do homework."
"But can't you just get up early and study?"
"Umm....hey is that Cobin in the apartment?"
"Yea..."
"Can I come over? I love him!"
"Yeah! Come over and we can talk..."
"I can't, I am in my bed. I am going to sleep"
*Facial expression...say whaaaa??*
"Um...just come over?"
"No, I am going to sleep."
"You know what, you sound annoyed, I'll leave you alone"
*CLICK*
Can you guess which one was me? Yeah, I hung up on my friend. I don't know what possesed me to do that. I am really disappointed in myself.
Two minutes later...text message: "I wasn't even annoyed...until you hung up on me."
I called back. I said I was sorry. All I got was a mumble, and an ominious *click*. I am not sure if he was asleep or just didn't want to hear my crap. And this made me feel awful. The person is one of my best friends, and I can't bear to be so mean...
Regret. Sometimes I just go crazy. I care for someone so much, I can't handle them not wanting to hang out with me. I think it has to do with my self-esteem. I assume that if that person doesn't want to do something with me, they automatically hate me. That is the worst thing ever. I can't help myself. I shouldn't require or want constant attention from people I care about. It's all about balance.
Well, this got me so angry, that I couldn't stay in the apartment. Because we were planning on running, I just decided that it would be better for me to start the run. I had to get my anger out, and running, strangely enough, made me feel better. I don't know what it was, the cold air, my adrenaline pumping, but I cleared my mind...and my heart. But, I was so angry (about something so stupid) that yes, I did, I ran the path of rape hill. I was feeling so crappy that I just wanted to get hurt. I wanted something to happen to me. I felt that no one would care--or even notice. Of course, these thoughts are completely irrational and crazy, but I just couldn't help it.
I sat on a bench in the walkway and sobbed. I was angry at myself for being so mean, for being so insensitive, for reacting like a psycho. I prayed to my Heavenly Father asking him for help. I never have felt to vulnerable in my life. Never have I wanted to be accepted by someone so badly.
I ran back to the stairs where my lovely, angelic roommates were calling my name and going crazy looking for me. I love them. But I only wish I could fix the problem I created. I don't know why I care so much about this person.
It is now 4 am. I can't sleep. But I don't know what to do...
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