Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Is there such thing as too much ambition?

I've been thinking about fairy tales and futures. They aren't all they are cracked up to be. For reals. For serious.

Say you've found your perfect man--that never guarantees that you are going to live happily ever after. It doesn't work like that. There are so many other things that need to be considered. Right now, I am dealing with that. I always thought that when you met the right person, you would get married right away. No way. I'm living in the real, big-kid world now. I have to think about finances and education. And I feel like a little kid trying to pass off as a grownup. So far--I can't say. Let's see how long I can play off this charade.

I have been struggling a lot with the question: what do you want to do when you grow up? And I honestly can't give you the answer. But I do know one thing--I am going back to school. I will live up my year that I am not at school--I am already employed--imagine that! Who would have thought that a history major/ editing minor would take you places?

I am not satisfied with just a Bachelor's degree. I know that is selfish, since in the Mormon community, as a woman, you are supposed to be thinking about a family. Sure, that's all fine and dandy, but I want to be the best mom that I can be. I want to be able to say, "I am qualified, I can work if I want to because I have my degree in law or my masters in Information Systems, but I choose to be at home with my family." I can be better mom if I continue to go to school. And I know, and I want whoever I marry to be the main provider--it's his job. I talked a lot about that with my man, and I told him straight up, if things progress the way that they do--I am NOT going to push aside my dreams for someone else to live theirs. I know that sounds like I am self-absorbed and I only think about myself, and it's true. I know that I can be doing more, and I don't want to sit on the way-side, wishing that I would have done more with my life. That will not be me.

Everyday I sit at work, I am content, but I am not completely, fully convinced that I am where I need to be. I want more.

I can't even tell you that I know what I want to do. I wish I did. I don't know if I am going to do Disney, or maybe the Joseph Smith Papers, or just stay and work. . .Who knows? I certainly wish I did.

I can't help but wonder if my ambition will be the death of me.

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