Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I don't deserve this...

Do you ever feel....
Like you don't deserve something?
Like "how did I trick someone into doing this for me"?
Like something is too good for you?
Maybe someone is too good for you?

Well, I do, almost every second of the day since I've started dating Him. Everything that he does, everything he says, is just peachy. He's like no man that I have heard of, let alone fallen in like with. He's everything that the Other one wasn't. And he's so good for me.

The texts in the morning, the cute things that he says. He's got it down. And it's not that I feel inferior, I just feel that I have to better myself. And I like that, and somehow, I have tricked into liking me. And I think that it is hilarious. What does he see in me? I have yet to figure that out.

I must have done something right. And I hope I will keep doing that, I really like this One.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

This time...I stand up for myself.

Ever noticed how you can have one great day and then the rest of the week sucks? That's exactly what happened to me. I started off my week on Valentine's day, the day of love. And lemme tell ya--it was successful. :)

Then, everything went down-hill from there. I am trying not to be dramatic, but that's what it felt like.

That was my week.

But I learned, not to get in the thick of thin things. Worthy words. I had a really hard time with school. As in, I had about one MILLION projects due, and yes, I put them off last minute.

I also had a really hard time with my family. My mom is completely against me dating someone (seriously) with all her heart, mind, might and strength. She seems to think that this one is a "re-bound", Which, in a sense, isn't everyone you get in a relationship with after that "first one" a rebound? But, this one, oh THIS one, is the farthest sense from a rebound. (This will be addressed in another post). Anyways, my mother. Every time I tried to tell her that I was dating Him, she would give me a huge long speech about how dating was bad. How dating was EVIL. Every time I talked on the phone, I just felt at a loss of what to tell her. I wanted her to know--she's one of my best friends. And it has been so hard. Even "going behind her back" for about a week. I had to literally take a stand for what I wanted to do. It made me think about it even more--about how much I want to be with him. I guess my mom didn't understand because she never dated anyone but my dad. And I had to fight for my points. I have never done this with my mom--and it was weird. But liberating at the same time.

But, this helped me decide. I really do like this chap. A lot. And I decided to go for it--to stand up for myself. To take a stand. I told my mom on Sunday, that we were dating. Eeeeeeek!!!

Monday, February 14, 2011

You make my Heart Happy.

That's right, I kind of, sort of, had a remarkable Valentine's day. I don't want to rub it in or anything. . .but I doubt anyone's else was any better.

I was treated to a weekend of fun (funny picnics, awesome concerts, hilarious Comedy Sports), creepiness (a box of chocolates by my room, a snugglemonkey, a single rose), and love (confessions of, actions).

I don't know how I swung it, but I am completely, head-over heels for this one guy. And I've got the love bug bad. And I think I tricked him into falling for me too.

Today, he treated me to a sweet, single rose at the start of my day. He claimed he wanted other men to know that I had been spoken for. (I think that he's a real romantic. . .and I like that) I just smiled at him at brushed it off. He's a real cutie. He took me to a romantic dinner (complete with candles and non-alcoholic wine--which was AMAZING) and then Sammy's. It was so good. We took a great walk and were happy.

Then we drove up to the Y. We got to sit and think, and talk and laugh, and flirt--at lot. :) And, did I mention, that on this, this day of love. . .I kind of, really, just got meeself a boyf? Yes, it's true. It makes me happy. This one is a keeper.

He's kind, funny, spiritual, and I think, that I really, really, really, really, really, really, really like him. A lot.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Car rides can Correct Conundrums

I love car rides.

Riding in a car can make me fall asleep.

Car rides are sometimes fun.

Sometimes car rides are awkward.

Car rides can also lead to conversations.

And I like that.

I have had the best conversations in cars. And sometimes the hardest.

But it's ok.

Car rides make it ok.

How's about we make SOME MAGIC?!?!?!

This week has been--well, just crazy.

I just got word--and I will be able to make some magic this summer! Well, for 7 months that is. I applied for a Disney internship at DisneyWorld, and I got it. No biggie.

I am stoked. I just don't know what I am going to do. There's that boy. There's other things that I can be doing--like a real job. But, something tells me that this may be a good idea. It is an opportunity to grow up. Being away from home. Something I have never done. I will be in Florida. Almost the entire US away from my family. It makes me wonder; who will I be? How will I act? What will I do? Will I be the same?

I won't have my mom there, to help me with everything. I am not saying I don't like it, I just want to see if I can handle being away from my mom. To see if I can be real-life-certified-adult.

I want to be in the real world...well, the real world with some Disney magic. And it's about 7 months where I can just not worry about life. It seems like a good idea. But then, let's see what life is going to throw at me in the next 5 months?

A lot can happen in 5 months. We will see, we will see.

The Little Things you do are taking me over. . .


That's all I can say about the past two weeks. I think I am maybe, kind of, sort of, head over heels for a certain boy. And let me tell you why: it's the little things he does.

Taking things that are too heavy for me, opening the door, complementing me, texting me funny things in the morning to wake me up, telling me that I am beautiful, hugging me, acting like I am the only person that matters. The list goes on and on. What did I do to deserve this boy? Correction: this man. He's like none of the other kids I have dated. He is different. WHY?

I ain't nothing special, and I don't think he's figured that out. Let's see how long I can fool him.

This morning, I woke up to a cute lil' note and a box of chocolates. AND a text from him saying, "I hope your day is sweeter than yesterday". What did I do to deserve someone like him?

And I think the thing that most attracts me to him is his quiet, self-confidence. He knows who he is and where he is going. He doesn't have a day-by-day plan, but he has a sense of what he wants. I need that. He also has interests. We can sit for two hours watching Youtube videos and discussing books. He is so grounded. He also has a laugh that makes me smile every time I hear it. And this is only after 3 weeks. This makes me excited for what could happen.

And here's the thing, I haven't let him make certain advances, *cough cough* holding hands. I think I am holding out on holding hands. If I am so head over heels for him, why am I holding out you ask. . .I don't know. Well, ok, I do know. It's because I have only known him for 3 awesome weeks. And it's a little soon for me. And I know he's working for it--I just don't want him to be able to get anything from me easily. He really has got to want it. And I think he does.

Cec hates me for holding out on him--but I can't help it. I think I do it for the thrill, a challenge to myself.

But, maybe, maybe this weekend, I might not be holding out.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

I Put my new shoes on. . .

This past week and a half has been a whirlwind of emotions. A whirlwind of plans, of texting all day, of laughter, of 10 hour dates, of late nights, of new-ness. And I love it.

I have nothing to complain about. I am just as happy as a clam. I have late-night chats with my best friend..which leads to laughter and reflection. I am so grateful I was lucky enough to live with her.Besides the fact that my sleep has been...well, lacking. I mean, there are lil' things that have gotten me down, but you know, it's ok, it's freakin life!!!

To quote a Disney movie, Meet the Robinsons, "Failing teaches you so much more, you don't learn half as much when you succeed." That's what is is in life. We can't be sure of everything. No matter how well it is going--I can't help but taking a step back and being unsure. I did this when I was walking to meet my new amigo. I just felt so overwhelmed, like I wasn't good enough. What was I doing there? I got really confused. I put on a front that I am so confident, when, inside, I am probably the most terrified one out of everyone. I guess I am all about reinforcement. Maybe because I never got that when I was growing up. I never really have been praised for my accomplishments, it's always been why aren't you doing more? Which I guess is ok. It makes me want more for myself.

I still don't know what I am going to do with my future. I am clueless. Except for one thing--this one boy. And even with that, I am so unsure. But if I was sure about everything, wouldn't that defeat the purpose of why I am here? It seems like he is so good for me right now. But then again. . .This boy is exactly what I need right now. I think. I hope. I am going for the gold on this one, which means, I am not going to hold back, I am going to do what I thinkis right.

But, right now, my life is like a new pair of shoes. I can't wait to wear em'. It's going to take a little bit to break em' in. . but I have a feelin' these shoes just might be my favorite yet!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Letter burning: it's a new dawn. . .it's a new day.

I am so FRIGGIN' happy.

I will just say it right now. I haven't been this completely happy in a long time...I mean I don't want to be emo or anything, but I have been hiding my sorrow. I have been happy--but because things/events have happened to me--not just because. But right now-- every part of me is just so completely, honestly, truly, happy.

You wanna know my secret? I'll tell ya.

Letter burning. I decided that I was going to write everything down about James. Everything that I hated, that I loved, that I was annoyed by, that I found funny, that I wanted him to do more. I pestered him to do the same. We decided that we were going to go up to the Y (just the parking lot) and burn those letters. We were never going to read them to each other. It would make it so final. What ended up happening is that we read the letters to each other. And yes, there were tears, I won't tell you whose they were. And we talked and talked. And talked. But not fighting, it was in a grown up sort of way. We told each other the things that we could work on, for future relationships. Because that's what some relationships are for, for growing, for learning. And then I realized, after I hugged him (yes, I went in for the hug--a first for me):

I am free. I am done. It is final. Not in a bad way final. But the guy that was in control of my time, my emotions, my life--I have have finally realized for myself, that it is not going to happen. I used to think with every fiber of my being, with every breath I took, that we were the ones for each other, that it was destined, no matter what, that he was the one. I was foolish. I was naive. I couldn't bear to let go.

However, I came to realize, little by little, that he was causing more trauma than happiness. I would get sick--not love-sick. Anything that he said that was just the least bit biting would cause me tears. It wasn't healthy. I had also changed.

I realized this when he began to go on other dates. When I began to branch out--it was funny how quickly other guys responded. (Not saying that guys were falling over themselves to ask me out or even talk to me--but it was different--like they knew that I was free)

I tried not to let it go--I tried to force it--by little devotional trips, swimming, anything that I could do to get us alone. But that's when I realized. Yes, I will be saddened that it never worked out, but isn't that better for the both of us?

What if we got into a serious relationship and realized that it wasn't working out? That we were blinded by the fact that we wanted it to work so badly that we started construing fake dreams and expectations for each other. That's exactly what we were doing.

I noticed this when I began to go on first dates with other guys. I realized--James was used to the bitter, sarcastic, mean part of me. I had lost the fun, happy, bubbly girl that he had fallen in "like" with. That worried me. I want to give my best to the one I will end up with eventually. And I began to realize why he fell out of "like" with me. I was psycho. I was changed.

It's funny how your life changes because you decided to go visit that one person in SLC that you were trying to get away from.
Because of that, something happened this week. Someone happened to me.

And I have the sneaking suspicion that the same has happened to James. Which, I thank the big Guy up there. I know it sounds awful, but the best way to get over someone is to find someone even better. And if it's happening to both of us, we can move on even quicker. No one is bitter, we are busy getting to know someone else and being even better than we used to be.

I have a good feeling about this one. Let's hope that person thinks the same thing.