Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Phone Calls

It's funny how you can call the people you depend on the most and they let you down.

I have had a real stressful couple of days. I am just trying to figure out my life. I have been avoiding my parents because I don't think that they take me seriously. I am writing this as i try to cry myself to sleep.

Last week, my mom told me that she "didn't see me with someone like Carlos." What the 24!@W is that supposed to mean?! When the person that you respect the most tells you that, it resonates with you. It isn't something that you cast aside, it's something that you think and think and think about. Maybe even to the point that it drives you to tears. Maybe to the point where you just want to sleep. Maybe to the point where you want to give up. Maybe even to the point where you think, "what's the use"?

Today, after many missed calls, forced conversations, and ignoring text messages, I decided to call my mom. I just wanted some comfort. I had been feeling good about the Carlos thing, and I just wanted to update my mom on what I was thinking about doing in the summer. What did I get instead?

I got doubts.
I got fears.
I got judgement.
I got remorse.
I got unforgiveness.

I got a whole lot more than I bargained for.
The only thing that I wanted was reassurance, for someone to tell me what I was doing was ok.

I didn't get that. All I got, was "why can't you be doing more?"

And when your best friend isn't there, and your boyfriend is asleep, it makes for one night full of tears and sorrow.

This song came on while I was writing this blog:
and it fits.

I just hope that tomorrow is better than last.

1 comment:

  1. I know how you feel...dont worry it'll get better esspecially if you makin any wrong descisions. I'd say keep in mind what your parents tell you outta respect but the choice is yours do what makes you happy and do it well!:)