Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I have the best. . .guy friends

Did I ever tell you that my guy friends are better than yours?

Well, they are. And ladies, listen up.

I have the kindest, awesomest, coolest guy friends ever.
And I am not overeaggerating. After a little episode with a "friend', I decided that I was going to cut all ties with that person. (so far, it hasn't been working out too great. I guess that person is just such a part of me that I can't bear to let them go. And I know that it drives everyone around me crazy. I am sorry. I don't even know what I want. And I am sorry you have to hear me whine and mope about it. I am trying, really, really hard. But I know you don't see the effort, all you see is the result. And it's not lookin' good.

This is when I realized that I have the best guy friends that a girl could ever hope for. And is it weird that I want them all to be married? Any girl that catches their eye should count themselves lucky. These guys are great listeners, they tell you how it is, and they truly, honestly care. And it's not the type of care where it's because they like you. It's the kind of caring where they love you no matter what you do. That's how much they care.

One guy friend--we are in the same class together, and without fail, he always has a spot for me. And wanna know the best part? He always makes sure that it's left-handed. It's like what Cecilly said, "It's all about the little things that you do that makes you who you are."

It defines you. I guess the little things matter. Another friend, he has sat through my ranting and raving about certain individual--even going as far as to taking me on a repelling adventure because I needed to get out.

Another friend waits for me after class and then tries to convince me (and is pretty close in convincing me) that i need my own i-clicker.

Another friend sent me a message just telling me how cool I am (which is so obviously false) but it was so sweet.

I am amazed at the high caliber of men that I know. And feel privileged that they even talk/pay attention to me. I don't deserve their time. I obviously don't know how to pick 'em because I fell for the one idiot that I know. Why can't I like the ones that do care for me? O maybe, because I am an idiot. Go me.

Even though, personally, I have given up on the whole dating game, I know that there are good guys out there, and I am lucky to know some of the best.

Here's to the men that I know. Please don't let me down.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Out of the Comfort Zone.

Staying busy: that's my goal of the rest of my semester. I don't want to sit at home and regret things that could have been, I am done with that.

This has led to some poor decisions though, from spontanous repelling trips with friends, wanting to hike the Y (in the middle of winter). But it's been so invigorating.

Well, and here's the thing, Cecilly and I are doing this challenge: well, it's kind of unspoken.

We do something that we fear we will get rejected at/or just plain humiliated. We started yesterday. Here's what we did:

CLUBBING. Yes we went to a club, we even put on an extra amount of make-up and tried to "slutify" ourselves. Which, considering our honor-code appropriate wardrobes, was not even an option. Honestly, though. It was so fun.

I think it was because I realized that there is no way that I could live a life like that. Going out on Friday nights and wanting to "pick up" guys and go drink. It's just not feasible.

Some guys wanted to buy us drinks. Thinking that we were the normal club-goers. We looked at them and laughed. Couldn't they tell that we were different? That this was just something that we thought was silly? It was also very sobering because it made me realize how good I have life. I don't have to rely on drinks to make me happy, I don't have to go to other people to be happy, I have something so much more important, and that's the gospel. This was further shown to me when after the club, we went to a friends house and played Catch Phrase. Good clean fun.

Who needs the bar when you've got friends to play Werewolves?


Good-bye. Good-bye. But that's what you were to me, almost. ALMOST.

That's what makes it worse. I guess we were both afraid of how good it could be. But I am not bitter. Just sad. And not even sad. I don't know what to do. Should I avoid you? You are one of my best friends. I guess time will tell.

I am trying to fill the empty void. You come to my apartment and I just can't even look you in the eye. I have to be somewhere else.

I'm trying not to think about you--do you know how hard that is?

But, I am keeping myself busy. I am throwing myself into every imaginable activity.

I can do this. If you decide you want to come to me, I will take you, no questions asked. But I will not be the one going to you. Good-bye are the days of Neltje going to you. If you want me, you have to come to me. I am stronger than you think I am. I could live without you--it may hurt for the rest of my life, but I would rather hurt than chase you. I've done it enough. My time is up.

If you ever become a man--let me know. I may be there, ready for you, or gone, swept up into someone else's dreams.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Pull Your Hair ouT!

Think of the two things that you absolutely hate:
now put them together. In the same place. Doesn't that just make you want to scream?

Well, that's what I got today. Sewing + Country music. For three hours. No biggie. Good thing I am already crazy. If I had a gun I would have utilized it.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Sitting across from you. . .

As I sit across from you, you catch my eye. Your mouth twitches upward, into that smile I love. Your eyes twinkle, which I know you just thought of something mischievous. You keep my gaze for just a second longer, but just a little longer than friends would, then I wonder, what do you think?

When I talk to you, what do you think?

When I smile at you, what do you think?

When I laugh with you, what do you think?

When I cry to you, what do you think?

I sit across from you, studying your face, not understanding. How can you be the one that I confide in the most, but yet, you seem like the one that I understand the least? How can I know you so well, but at the same time, you are an absolute stranger? It's not fair. You think you have me so figured out, but you don't. There are so many things about me you don't know. How can I be so completely in "like" with you? It's all there, but it's not. Why must time be the enemy?

I just don't understand. I guess there are things that are never meant to be understood in life, and this is one of them. But I thank you. You have made me a far better person than when I met you. Thank you. No seriously. Despite the heartache and pain you have put me through--I thank you. I have changed so much in the short time I have known you. Doesn't that make you curious what our lives would be like together?? You think that you don't push me, you think I have everything figured out, truth is: I don't. We make each other so much better. Sometimes I think I think I need you a lot more than you need me. That's why I try to be the strong one; so you need me. The words of that one song come to mind: "I want you to want me, I need you to need me".

But still, sitting across from you. . .every second I spend with you. . .makes me realize how much I am the one that needs you.

I guess I will just always be sitting across from you, wondering and waiting.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Love is not singular except in syllable. . .

I love late night Enrique/Hilary Duff parties, breaking into apartments, getting yummy-smelling hand soap, "business" meetings at Sensuous Sandwhich, FHE brothers, fish tanks, clean apartments, going to bed at 10 pm, being able to drive stick, sealing the deal with some tanning passes, high heels in the snow, my green chair in the apartment, Adam Grant, stolen stop signs, real men, chivalry, cleaning checks that consist of the checker walking in and out of the apartment in less than ten seconds, paint-chip tables, silly bands, stick shift, blogging, internet, aprons, James Harding, tennis shoes, pizza parties with brothers, studying for the LSAT, finding five dollars in my coat, eating the frosting first of an Oreo, Toy Story, chick flicks, clean laundry, roommates, dressing up nice, my new Mac, editing, earrings, speeding, fake tickets, walking on campus with old friends, i-clickers, new friends, pirates, tots, HTML code, passions, sticky notes, singing as if no one was there, running in the rain, funny looking bruises, talks on-line, big "sleep-over" beds, the quote wall, Amy Baxter, comfy couches, clean microwaves, late night window taps from friends, smiles, the scripps, calendars, humming, devotionals with friends, games, locks, keys, early morning swimming, able to tell a friend anything no matter what, fully-charged laptops, Cecilly Francisco, my mom, christmas dots, laughing till you cry, crying till you laugh, long drives, facebook stalking. . .

Love, love, love, it.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Too school for cool. . .

So yesterday, 'twas a Friday night. A night supposedly full of fun and laughs. Can you guess what I was doing? Yes, I went to bed at a whopping 10 pm. I know, blasphemous. I am such a partier.

Acutally, can you say loser? But not really. (OK I keep telling myself that). But do you ever get those days where you just want to hide away from society? That was me last night. Maybe it was because I hadn't been at the apartment all week and yearned for my fuzzy blue blanket, or missed the smell of grossness, but I was real content just stayin at home. I didn't want to go mingle with people, and heaven forbid, socialize with them. I just wanted some alone time. I should have been productive, but I just needed to chill. And it felt real good.

I ended up curling up with my laptop and watching a chick flick. It was about time. I got ten hours of sleep, which should get me through next week. Where I average about 5-6 hours a night (on a good night).

Friday, January 14, 2011

The I-Clicker Conundrum

This has been a hecka looong week for sure. Filled with awkward moments at nerd apartments, falling backwards into the snow on campus, getting stuck in the snow, watching Condy Rice, exercising for fun, Arby's runs at 11, getting up at 6 am three times, 9 hour days on campus. . .

Generally, I have kind of been disappointed by people in general. And myself. I've been super flakey this week. Almost as flakey as a buttery croissant. But, no fear. That's what makes people, well, people.

And I like to think that I am Ms. Perfect, but I am so far from that.

I kind of got jolted into remembering that I expect soo much from people. There is such a fine line between expecting too much and letting people just get away with things. And I can't find that line. It is escaping from me. I think I find it and then. . .it's gone. That nasty lil' bugger.

I was impressed though, by how old friends can come through. This was all attributed to my little friend Adam. For the past week and a half we have discovered that we are in the same general area during class. I have refused to a buy an I-clicker for my last semester of college. (They run for a tidy little sum of $48, hecka no. I am NOT going to spend that much on a stupid little thing.) So, my good friend OT, has kindly let me use his. This is where it gets complicated, I have to wait outside the JSB waiting to hand it to him because the class he heads to next (which is in the Benson) is where he needs the clicker. I stand outside usually, looking like an idiot for about five or so minutes. When I hand it off to OT, it totally looks like some sketchy drug deal or something. I think one day I am going to put a little packet of sugar on the clicker so it looks like it IS drugs. Ahahah. My friend Adam always comes by and sees me waiting, he also waits with me. He has a class at 10, he has faithfully waited for me each day. This small act of friendship really makes my day. I am sure he doesn't even know it, but those 10 minutes I am with him are sometimes highlights of my day.

Friends like him instill hope in me.

I am not in the least bit bitter about things that have happened this week. I am learning through this. But at the same time, makes me realize that friends can't always be there for you. I can't be selfish to think that they can. But really, I love my friends, through the thick and thin. And I hope that they won't be as critical to me.


Wednesday, January 12, 2011

His mother CLEARLY threw him against the wall.

Today I was walking in the frigid cold air. I was looking pretty cutesy if I do say so myself. I was feeling good, I had gone swimming, I had made a new friend in the pool, AND I had a record amount of sleep, which was about 6.25 hours. Which, for me, is just as exciting as the new season of Pretty Little Liars. I know--I confessed it--I am obsessed with the show. Ok, not really. I mean, we (yes my roomies have a soft spot for the show as well). And when I say obsessed, I mean in the least way possible. Not in the creepy, stalker way that you know every actors birthdays and their zodiac not at all. I mean it in the we may or may not emit high pitched screams of joy when a new episode is up on Hulu. And I enjoy this show probably because it is so far from the truth that it is fun to laugh about how ridiculous the girls on the show can be. And maybe, just maybe, it is just one of those guilty pleasures that we all have. Apparently they are all about 16 years old--which is the biggest lie I have ever heard. I am pretty sure they are all in college, and it shows. But, W.

And I was so mad because ONE of my roomies (they shall not be named. *cough cough* Cecilly) bailed out on the swimming. She made a verbal contract with me last night! And I have it all on tape, so don't try to get out of it. Kidding. But not really. But, she did say I could beat her up later. I will have to take her up on that offer. Good thing we are all sharing a room. Which, I think is the most ridiculous thing--ever. In a good way. I thought that we would have a problem getting to bed because it is literally a big sleepover, but it's not been bad. Probably because one of the roomies has been MIA, which is probably due to school. We think. I have found I am the one that goes to bed the earliest. Fancy that, if you consider 11:45 pm early. Which, in college, that's like a 6 o'clock bed-time. F, I am OLD.

Anyways, I spotted one of my friends, the one that I mostly go swimming with. I shall call him, the one that was thrown against the wall as a child. Or Otwtawc (which, that my friends is an acronym). This lovely nickname was acquired when we were discussing this individual (via text) with one of my roomies. She texted, "His mother clearly threw him against the wall". I got that text when I was in class--I literally was on the floor laughing. I was supressing my laughter causing me to guffaw--which is just is not a pleasant thing. Guffaw--doesn't it just sound--lame?!?! That word kind of reminds me of some farmer, "Hester, you gosh darn made me GUFFAW." Hmmm...It's just a strange word. Well, it was exactly what I was doing in my class. While we were trying to have a serious conversation about something. I will let you know if I figure it out. I only mention this because Otwtawc(aka Ot) is one of the besties. I spend a considerable amount of time with them, and they absolutely REFUSE to be mentioned by name, so they get that lil' gem.

I literally left 15 minutes before one of my classes started. I thought I would be fine...until I got stuck behind some MAJOR road-blockage, and I don't mean with cars. I mean bodies. About 6 of them. It was a freaking WALL. They were going just fast enough to stay in front of everybody. And they were blocking the whole side-walk. Fat Fat Fat. I would try pass on the inside, the outside, these people had no idea that they were hindering about 30 people behind them. And it wasn't that the 30 people enjoyed being behind those other people in their dumb little UGGS and their sweats (they were all Freshman--well, I assume so) trying a little too hard at appear that they weren't trying at all.

But their little road block induced freaking road/walking-on-campus-rage. Well, maybe it was a good thing I wasn't driving. I would have done some illegal something. And I would have probably given them the finger (ok, not really, but I think my rebel self would like to dream that I would)...but its BYU campus we are talking about that. I think the mere mention/thought of that outrageous act may get me in with the Honor Code office--let's hope. NOT. Seeing as I have already had a little run-in with the Honor Code office. And you can't even call it a run-in, it's more of a "the Honor Code saw me and barely slapped me on the wrist". I had left the library about 10 seconds after it had closed. YES. TEN SECONDS. Shows you how hardcore we follow the rules here. (Or don't.)

This post has been drastically different than a lot of others...this may have been a result of my listenings to MUSE. Which is definitely an acquired taste. But this video is for those not familiar with MUSE. It's one of their softer ones and appeals to many, enjoy.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I LOVE this. Want it. Love it. BE IT.

Happy New Years. Although I am a little behind in this posting, I have been struggling lately with things and so I haven't been able to really sit down and think about my goals and resolutions this year.

But first, what did I learn this year?

1) Marriage is something that will come--eventually. Even if you meet someone dandy, it CAN'T be the first thing that you think.

2) You can't think that boys(or anybody in that matter) can be perfect. If you do, you'll drive yourself crazy.

3) Relationships should be based on friendship first.

4) A successful relationship is where you can identify each others faults--and work on them together.

5) You will fail a class if you don't go--even if it's sewing

6) Friends can make or break you.

7) Growing up happens to everyone--you decide when it is you that is gonna be the BIG KID.

8) Tots are good

9) The people you least expect are the ones who always come through

10) Never judge people on first impressions--the people you are most skeptical about are usually the most awesome people

11) Smiling is good

12) Communication is key--to anything, DO NOT ASSUME THINGS

13) Girls are crazy--myself included.

14) Boys are dumb


16) kissing is something not to be given away freely

17) things happen for a reason

18) Make sure you really love your major

What did I do this last year?

1) Traveled to a foreign country

2) Got my first boyfriend

3) Wrote my capstone paper for my major

4) Worked at BYU catering--for two weeks

5) Figured out history is not something I want to do in my future

6) Too many DTRs to count

7) Went to at least one session of the two conferences in SLC

8) Started a blog

9) Had a valentine

10) Studied for the LSAT

11) met the families of a couple of my friends

12) GREW and GREW--not physically, but mentally

13) I now crave deep conversations (I have never had that before)

14) Lived without the internet for 6 weeks

15) Got my braces off

I really think that I have changed this year--for the better.

And what do I want to accomplish this year??

Complete all assignments on time.

Ask the professor if I don't get it

Don't put friends before homework--its ok to say no.

LSAT at least two hours a day


Study the scrips for 20 min a day (preferably in the morning)


Workout in the mornings--at least three times a week

Sweets--only on the weekends


Talk to people in my classes

Don't get mad about things more than 2 hours

Don't think about the past

Road-trip it up!

Here's to a new year and new aspirations. I want to break the mold I have set for myself this year. I want to be happy--no matter what happens to me. Because, life could always be worse.

Here's a clever thing that Cecilly and I thought of (we must have been high on tots)

Don't stop believin' in two-thousand and eliven!

(Doesn't exactly rhyme--but W)

Laughing like a Loser


I just have to laugh. Campus is one of the funniest places that I have ever been. And I hate to say it, but people really DO judge you on your appearance. The last two days (that I have actually been TRYING to get ready, aka look like a normal person, people have noticed. Well, complete strangers, but that's cool too, right? Or maybe I've been more confident because I resemble something close to a human being.

Yesterday, I was walking to a class, when a guy (who I have NO idea was) said, "O hey! How are you doing?"
I was so caught off guard that I nearly fell in the road and smiled awkwardly before scuttling away.

I was in the library last night, when I was leaving (after a 6 hour period of awesomeness--I was working on my new love--InDesign) and the guy that was studying across from me looked up and said, "Hope you have a good one." (Like I knew him or something)

Today, (in the library again) I had a conversation out of the blue in periodicals. (Because the guy said he liked my SCARF...really? really?)

Maybe it's because it's a new year and people are trying to be friendly or whatnot, but it really catches me off-gaurd, and I like it. It makes me laugh too--because starting conversations with people you don't know are always weird. But make for funny stories later.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

If it ain't broke, don't fix it

This semester has started off quite--weirdly. I came back to my apartment on Monday, the day before classes started. Which is very different of me because I usually am one of the first people back and ready for school to start. I just wanted to stay at home and lounge about.

Recently, I have been thinking about different types of friendships. In high school, I had a really good friend who I was inseparable from. Then things just kind of changed. I stared thinking about where I wanted to go to college, and potentially graduate in my Jr. year. I had high hopes, but my friend was always lounging about and didn't really care about where she would go to school, thinking that she would just go to UVU (or UVSC as it was known back in the day). It was hard to be around her because her goals were so different. And I realized that good friends should be there to bring you up, to make you a better person.

This instance got me thinking about friendship. Sometimes friendships are like broken toys. As a child, I loved a stuffed frog--I carried it with me everywhere. But, it began to get old because of the heavy use that it endured. It's eyes fell out, the stuffing began to fall out. My mom would sew the eyes back on and patch up the holes on it. It lasted quite a while and I was content with how my frog was holding up. Then, I dropped my beloved little frog when we were going to California. It was mutilated, it got ran over, but it was still "alive". As much as my mom washed my little frog and as much as we patched it up--it was gone. But try as I might, the frog was done. Gone-zo.

This is how friendship is. Sometimes it's just broken. You have done everything you can to fix it, but there's nothing you can do to fix it. You will never forget the fun times you had, the memories that you shared, but it is time to throw the toy in the trash, but keep the memory in your heart.

And as I showed, I will never forget my little frog. Even though it is not physically here, I will remember the lessons that I learned from it. Who knew that I could learn something from a stuffed animal?

Monday, January 3, 2011

Cause Everytime we touch I get this feelin...

OK, so I always thought that I was just a different type of person. That I didn't really like hugs, touching, ect. I have always attributed my quirk to my family. I thought, oh, my family is like that its ok, they are the ones where I get it from. This Christmas break, how I was proved wrong. I am the psycho weird one that doesn't like touch, I am the one that shies away from contact. We spent a large amount of time with both sides of my family, and how I realized how physical we all are. Hugs are given out freely, kisses on the cheek are a normality. Where was I when God gave the seminar on hugs and physical touch? Was I sick? Jeez. i would really like to know. Because as much as I try to change myself and be open towards giving hugs--its awful.

The worst thing is that I can't even blame it on my family. Boo hoo hoo.

Hugs make me feel weird. I am not saying I don't like them, it just takes a lot for me to give one, to initiate. I actually do like to receive hugs, from the right people, they make you feel warm, secure and happy.

But those are my ramblings about hugs.

O I love thee....

Emoticon, T9, Buzz Buzz. These were the noises/words I have been faced with lately. I woke to these sounds at least four times for the past four nights.

I HATE TECHNOLOGY. It takes away my sleep, it takes my siblings away from me, it connects them with other people. Maybe I am selfish. I will admit to that fact. But really I hate what it is doing to today's society. I never thought I would become of the age where I would look down upon the "youth" of society and shake my head at what they do with the things they have at their disposal, and that is exactly what I am doing right now.

I don't know what it is about texting, if it is because I am not like that with my friends, or that I don't have that "special" someone, but I seriously don't know what is wrong with the younger generations. Whilst sitting in the car, on our 12-hour drive to California, I was dismayed at the amount of time that was spent listening to ipods, texting on phones, and playing on the i-touch, leaving about 10% left to actual interaction time. Which, for me was very scarce because I was sleeping. But co'mon people. Get with it.

I am so FED UP with the constant need of phones, and internet. I saw how my siblings became so engrossed with whoever they were texting, I couldn't even have a normal conversation with them. It was so frustrating. I felt like some old person that had no idea what was going on--and maybe I just haven't gotten the update, or the tweet, or the status update, but what is wrong with having social interaction? I wanted to scream in exasperation. Could the text that they were hiding from all of us under the dinner table wait until after dinner? Could the "sneaky 'I am checking the time on my phone but really I am texting'" wait? (We all know that you are texting--you don't have to hide it from anyone.) Could you stop checking your phone every ten seconds?

Maybe there is something wrong with me that no one wanted to talk with me, but every single second, someone whipped out their phone, it was as if no one likes silence. No one can sit down and wait for a conversation to start. it has to be INSTANT INSTANT INSTANT. Ugh. I am sorry I can't be instant entertainment. I can't be amusing you when you want me to. Let's just let the technology do that for you. Who needs people that are right in front of you?

Another thing that really irks me is when people are making plans via texting. Let me tell you, it is the most ineffective way to plan things. Sure, I am all for mass-texting people so that they can know what you are planning and who is in and who's out, but when it comes to planning something that you know is going down, BUCK UP AND DIAL THE FRIGGIN NUMBER. Point and case: my brother made plans with one of his friends to hang out, and he did this entirely via texting. You want to know how long this took???? ONE HOUR. Do you know how long it would have taken him if he called. At most, ONE MINUTE.

Bitter much? Yes, yes. I am.

*Buzz Buzz*
O wait, let me take that…*click click click*