Thursday, June 9, 2011

My Life Could Be a Movie

Play this song when you are reading this post!

Have you ever walked 500 miles? Would you walk 500 miles?
I know I would.

This is what happened to me today.
I went to work.
I cried at work.
I thought about how I wanted my life to end.

I had no car.
I couldn't even tell the person that I love--that I loved them.

Was that going to stop me?

Was I going to find a way?

How was I going to get to that boy Carlos and tell him that I loved him (and wanted him back)--when a mere 5 days I had told him I didn't want to? That was going to be a doozy--but I didn't care. I had love on my side.

Step 1: I left work.
I told my boss that I was feeling sick and needed to go home. It's true--I was sick--LOVE SICK. Tomato,'s all the same right?

Step 2: I walked 5(00) miles.
I had no car, and no cash. My battleship was sunk. But I wasn't going to let that stop me. My bank was 5 miles away. I got my walking on--I was going to do this. The above song is what kept me going. Cars whizzed by, I got sweaty, I got tired, I was hungry, but I didn't care--it could have started pouring cats and dogs and I would have kept walking/slowly running. I wish I had a camera crew filming my epic journey--it would have been one for the movies.

Step 3: Get to the Bank/ Stick it to the Man
I had to get some monies out. I also got a couple of checks for my apartment complex, and my mom--who has been harassing me about paying my car. I AM GOING TO GET MY CAR BACK.

Step 4: Board the Bus
By far the easiest part. I called UTA (1800-RIDE-UTA) and a nice lady told me all about the routes I needed to take. It was like the part of the movie when the guy/girl realizes that she can't let the person he/she loves and people help them find their lover. I wanted to tell everybody what I was doing so they could cheer for me. Also get hit on by creepy UTA-ers. Scary stuff.

Step 5: Get to Carlos'
My plan (I had previously google calendar stalked him) and knew I was going to get there between his classes. I donned my onesie (which I had worn for our first date), grabbed my snuggle monkey and biked there. I broke into his apartment. I had Cec text him so he wouldn't die of terror when he walked into his apartment. I waited patiently. . .


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

My favorite Things Didn't help This Time

Three hours of biking
and Diet Mountain Dew
help about this much:

They gave me more tears than comfort.

I'm in it deep.

Monday, June 6, 2011

It's not you--it's me.

It's not you. It's me. Those works. Cliche. I never thought I would be uttering those words. And I am. I have dated Mr. Carlos Grandela for over four months now. That's about forever in BYU time. Forever! Let me tell you. . .it's been one heck of a ride. I never been so consistently happy in my life. I have never felt like things were going so great. As you read this, you are probably thinking, what is wrong with this girl? She doesn't sound like a person that just ended a great relationship. Well, arrest me. I am.

And, people can ask me. And I will tell them.

He did nothing wrong. It wasn't about him. Carlos was the greatest thing to happen to me since dino chicken nuggets. He is kind. He is caring. He doesn't care if you wear a onesie to your first date. He can jive with just about anything. His cooking is to die for. He has hugs that can make your cares melt away. He only asks for you to love him. His soothing voice is just something you need after a long day. He could always find something good to say about someone. He made you better. He made you want to be with him. He is the most romantic guy I have ever met. He is so righteous. He will do anything for you. He knows how to make a girl feel special. He knows just what to tell you--no matter what you've done. He never makes you feel stupid. He writes the most poetic things that a girl could ever ask for. He is real. He will want to do crafts with you on a Friday night.

You may continue to read this, and think, this girl is off her rocker, why would someone ever give that kind of man up!??!?!?!

But when you know. When you just know that you can live life without that person--that you are already living life without them--and it doesn't hurt you---something must be done. This is what happened to me. I was in love with Carlos--and I still am. But when you really love someone--you can let them go (maybe for a couple of weeks, months--maybe forever). You can be honest to yourself and them and realize that all of the dreams you had might not actually come true. I just think that Carlos can do better than me. He needs someone that is absolutely crazy, head-over-heels crazy over him. I was only crazy about him. And for me that wasn't enough.

And I learned so much from Carlos. I learned how to be more patient. How to give a hickey. How it feels to really love someone. How it feels to kiss with pop rocks. How it feels to never want to go to sleep because you will miss out on time with them. How it feels to kiss with an ice cube. How it feels to give things up for someone. How it feels to put someone else first. How it feels to always want to hold someone. How it feels to tell someone how you feel--no matter the time of day. How it feels to really care. How it feels to do something for someone else that you love.

And yet--I thought that it would be easy to let go. It would be easy to let him go. It's not. But I just feel with Carlos I wasn't as happy as I can be. I felt like I really wasn't myself. I wanted to hide from him. I felt stressed out when I was with him. I don't know if it was everything going on or it was because our relationship needed to be over. And I want him to be the one--but I don't think it is. And it hurts that it isn't him.

But how much would that suck if I realized that on my wedding day?! These next weeks are going to be rough. I won't have someone to "bother" me at work, someone to come home to. But I think it might be worth it. And if it isn't--well--I screwed up the one good thing in my life--and I hope he'd take me back. I just hope I know what I am doing.

I will find my prince charming, the one that I want to come home to everyday, to be the one that I can go play tennis with, that I can take a walk outside, that I can be active with, that I can feel ALIVE with. I still don't know if it's Carlos or not--but time will tell.

And I hope--and I know--that Carlos will find someone incredible--even if it isn't me. He deserves nothing less.


Sunday, June 5, 2011

Lose yourself

The movies we love and admire are to some extent a function of who we are when we see them.
Mary Schmich

I've watched a lot of movies this weekend. Call me nervous, call me irresponsible. I may or may not have watched a total of 12 hours of movies this weekend. That's just the way I have coped with the upcoming LSAT. And there is something about watching a movie--the feeling where you can lose yourself for an hour and a half that I have needed. Something about watching a movie with stupid humor, which makes you glad you don't drink. Something about scary slasher film, where the horror never ends.
Something about a chick flick, where you root for Julia Roberts to get her man--but hope you are never the chick that is doubting.
Something about a movie that spoofs all other movie and makes you realize how funny society is.
Something about a movie that shows that Spielburg is a god of movies, his stuff is a classic.
Something about a movie that makes you want to "remember, remember the 5th of November."
I love losing myself in movies. A simple pleasure. But--I promise. I'll be normal after the LSAT. Promise.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Tired. . .but not so much

I am tired.
I am tired of everything.
I am tired of going to work.
I am tired of my apartment.
I am tired of my boyfriend.
I am just tired.
I am tired of the way I look.
I am tired of smiling.

I am tired of studying for the LSAT.
I am tired of caring.
I am tired of getting to work late.
I am tired of leaving work early.
I am tired not having my car.
I am tired of feeling hungry all of the time.
I am tired of pleasing everyone.
I am tired of food.
I am tired of going to the gym.
I am tired of pretending like I care.

And I don't know why. I just want to sit in my bed and eat Taco Bell
for the rest of my life. Dramatic much? Probably. But right now, I really don't care.

But there are some things that I don't think I will ever get tired of. . .

I love biking.
I love going to the mountains and just watching the stars.
I love when Cec cleans the room.
I love chewing gum.
I love Taco Bell.
I am in love with Childsh Gambino.
I love laughing.
I love Pop Rocks--wink wink nudge nudge.
I love that there are only 77 days until Disney.
I love that I am so friggin' excited for it.
I love that I bought my ticket to go to Disney.
I love seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
I love how I feel after I bike.
I love my bike.
I am in love with this song.
I love backpacks.
I love MACs.
I love being alone.
I love watching scary movies.
I love blowing everything off.
I love that I might be weird.
I love that I really don't care.
I love that I think I kind of sort of like country.

There's a lot of things that I am tired of right now---but so many things that I love. I think I will keep tryin' in this thing we call life. It seems worth it.