Monday, June 6, 2011

It's not you--it's me.

It's not you. It's me. Those works. Cliche. I never thought I would be uttering those words. And I am. I have dated Mr. Carlos Grandela for over four months now. That's about forever in BYU time. Forever! Let me tell you. . .it's been one heck of a ride. I never been so consistently happy in my life. I have never felt like things were going so great. As you read this, you are probably thinking, what is wrong with this girl? She doesn't sound like a person that just ended a great relationship. Well, arrest me. I am.

And, people can ask me. And I will tell them.

He did nothing wrong. It wasn't about him. Carlos was the greatest thing to happen to me since dino chicken nuggets. He is kind. He is caring. He doesn't care if you wear a onesie to your first date. He can jive with just about anything. His cooking is to die for. He has hugs that can make your cares melt away. He only asks for you to love him. His soothing voice is just something you need after a long day. He could always find something good to say about someone. He made you better. He made you want to be with him. He is the most romantic guy I have ever met. He is so righteous. He will do anything for you. He knows how to make a girl feel special. He knows just what to tell you--no matter what you've done. He never makes you feel stupid. He writes the most poetic things that a girl could ever ask for. He is real. He will want to do crafts with you on a Friday night.

You may continue to read this, and think, this girl is off her rocker, why would someone ever give that kind of man up!??!?!?!

But when you know. When you just know that you can live life without that person--that you are already living life without them--and it doesn't hurt you---something must be done. This is what happened to me. I was in love with Carlos--and I still am. But when you really love someone--you can let them go (maybe for a couple of weeks, months--maybe forever). You can be honest to yourself and them and realize that all of the dreams you had might not actually come true. I just think that Carlos can do better than me. He needs someone that is absolutely crazy, head-over-heels crazy over him. I was only crazy about him. And for me that wasn't enough.

And I learned so much from Carlos. I learned how to be more patient. How to give a hickey. How it feels to really love someone. How it feels to kiss with pop rocks. How it feels to never want to go to sleep because you will miss out on time with them. How it feels to kiss with an ice cube. How it feels to give things up for someone. How it feels to put someone else first. How it feels to always want to hold someone. How it feels to tell someone how you feel--no matter the time of day. How it feels to really care. How it feels to do something for someone else that you love.

And yet--I thought that it would be easy to let go. It would be easy to let him go. It's not. But I just feel with Carlos I wasn't as happy as I can be. I felt like I really wasn't myself. I wanted to hide from him. I felt stressed out when I was with him. I don't know if it was everything going on or it was because our relationship needed to be over. And I want him to be the one--but I don't think it is. And it hurts that it isn't him.

But how much would that suck if I realized that on my wedding day?! These next weeks are going to be rough. I won't have someone to "bother" me at work, someone to come home to. But I think it might be worth it. And if it isn't--well--I screwed up the one good thing in my life--and I hope he'd take me back. I just hope I know what I am doing.

I will find my prince charming, the one that I want to come home to everyday, to be the one that I can go play tennis with, that I can take a walk outside, that I can be active with, that I can feel ALIVE with. I still don't know if it's Carlos or not--but time will tell.

And I hope--and I know--that Carlos will find someone incredible--even if it isn't me. He deserves nothing less.


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