Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Letter burning: it's a new dawn. . .it's a new day.

I am so FRIGGIN' happy.

I will just say it right now. I haven't been this completely happy in a long time...I mean I don't want to be emo or anything, but I have been hiding my sorrow. I have been happy--but because things/events have happened to me--not just because. But right now-- every part of me is just so completely, honestly, truly, happy.

You wanna know my secret? I'll tell ya.

Letter burning. I decided that I was going to write everything down about James. Everything that I hated, that I loved, that I was annoyed by, that I found funny, that I wanted him to do more. I pestered him to do the same. We decided that we were going to go up to the Y (just the parking lot) and burn those letters. We were never going to read them to each other. It would make it so final. What ended up happening is that we read the letters to each other. And yes, there were tears, I won't tell you whose they were. And we talked and talked. And talked. But not fighting, it was in a grown up sort of way. We told each other the things that we could work on, for future relationships. Because that's what some relationships are for, for growing, for learning. And then I realized, after I hugged him (yes, I went in for the hug--a first for me):

I am free. I am done. It is final. Not in a bad way final. But the guy that was in control of my time, my emotions, my life--I have have finally realized for myself, that it is not going to happen. I used to think with every fiber of my being, with every breath I took, that we were the ones for each other, that it was destined, no matter what, that he was the one. I was foolish. I was naive. I couldn't bear to let go.

However, I came to realize, little by little, that he was causing more trauma than happiness. I would get sick--not love-sick. Anything that he said that was just the least bit biting would cause me tears. It wasn't healthy. I had also changed.

I realized this when he began to go on other dates. When I began to branch out--it was funny how quickly other guys responded. (Not saying that guys were falling over themselves to ask me out or even talk to me--but it was different--like they knew that I was free)

I tried not to let it go--I tried to force it--by little devotional trips, swimming, anything that I could do to get us alone. But that's when I realized. Yes, I will be saddened that it never worked out, but isn't that better for the both of us?

What if we got into a serious relationship and realized that it wasn't working out? That we were blinded by the fact that we wanted it to work so badly that we started construing fake dreams and expectations for each other. That's exactly what we were doing.

I noticed this when I began to go on first dates with other guys. I realized--James was used to the bitter, sarcastic, mean part of me. I had lost the fun, happy, bubbly girl that he had fallen in "like" with. That worried me. I want to give my best to the one I will end up with eventually. And I began to realize why he fell out of "like" with me. I was psycho. I was changed.

It's funny how your life changes because you decided to go visit that one person in SLC that you were trying to get away from.
Because of that, something happened this week. Someone happened to me.

And I have the sneaking suspicion that the same has happened to James. Which, I thank the big Guy up there. I know it sounds awful, but the best way to get over someone is to find someone even better. And if it's happening to both of us, we can move on even quicker. No one is bitter, we are busy getting to know someone else and being even better than we used to be.

I have a good feeling about this one. Let's hope that person thinks the same thing.

1 comment:

  1. I noticed this post is so...open. No hidden references to "my friend." No hiding parts of the sotry. Not for anyone who reads it, but for YOU...that is so good. Blogs are your safe haven. It's where you just SAY IT, dang it. Get it out. And you touch people along the way. I love the part, "linded by the fact that we wanted it to work so badly that we started construing fake dreams and expectations for each other." WOW.

    LOVE it.