Good-bye

Good-bye. Good-bye. But that's what you were to me, almost. ALMOST.

That's what makes it worse. I guess we were both afraid of how good it could be. But I am not bitter. Just sad. And not even sad. I don't know what to do. Should I avoid you? You are one of my best friends. I guess time will tell.

I am trying to fill the empty void. You come to my apartment and I just can't even look you in the eye. I have to be somewhere else.

I'm trying not to think about you--do you know how hard that is?

But, I am keeping myself busy. I am throwing myself into every imaginable activity.

I can do this. If you decide you want to come to me, I will take you, no questions asked. But I will not be the one going to you. Good-bye are the days of Neltje going to you. If you want me, you have to come to me. I am stronger than you think I am. I could live without you--it may hurt for the rest of my life, but I would rather hurt than chase you. I've done it enough. My time is up.

If you ever become a man--let me know. I may be there, ready for you, or gone, swept up into someone else's dreams.