I went and worked out with one of my friends today, and it was fun and all, but the lil' butt forgot his swim suit and we had to drive back to the apartment to grab it. We ended up getting into the pool around 6:40...but you know what?!?! I honestly didn't mind, it was all about joy in the journey. I thought it was hilarious. :)
My day was full of unproductive activites, which were all beyond fun. I went shopping for Christmas presents for the apartment, I was unsuccessful, but I did have some inspiration. But, then things took a turn for the worst...
I went to Dance lab with Cecilly, I got all purty and dressed up. We had a plan to coerse one of our friends to come with us, because we "wanted his body there", but that failed. Cecilly invited me to go to the temple with her, and I happily obliged. We were also accompanied by the best roomie ever, Whitney.
Cecilly made the mistake of asking Whit and I if we had ever heard of the movie, "Mr. Krougar's Christmas", this was the springboard to madness. For some reason, I thought of FREDDY KROUGAR'S CHRISTMAS.
This resulted in fits of laughter. I have never laughed so hard in the temple. I think it was a bad thing. For reals. I probably should never go to the temple with Cecilly again. It got so bad that I had to get up and leave the room because I was dying...of laughter.
We drove home in the S.s. Cecilly. At one point, Cecilly yelled to me, "GET OUT OF MY CAR!!!" I gladly followed her advice and was left stranded in the middle of the road, in my Sunday dress! Not to mention, it was like zero degrees outside. By that point, I decided to call one of my friends, but he, unfortunatley, was busy. He missed out.
I get back to the apartment, Cecilly was kind enough to let me back into the car, and take me back. This is where things got ugly...
My friend called me back. I have had a...quite interesting relationship with this person. To say the least, I care about that person...a lot. It may be boarder-line obsessive. (I love that person as much as I love my roommates, and that's a whole-lotta-love). The person called me, and I was convincing them to come running with us. (For some satanic reason, we have gotten excited about working out in the frigid cold...at NIGHT) The conversation was as follows (on the phone):
"Hey, is Kristie there? Did you get my message?"
"Yeah, sorry, she just left. I was studying."
"Do you want to come work out tonight?"
"No."
"What about tomorrow??"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I have class tomorrow early, and I need to do homework."
"But can't you just get up early and study?"
"Umm....hey is that Cobin in the apartment?"
"Yea..."
"Can I come over? I love him!"
"Yeah! Come over and we can talk..."
"I can't, I am in my bed. I am going to sleep"
*Facial expression...say whaaaa??*
"Um...just come over?"
"No, I am going to sleep."
"You know what, you sound annoyed, I'll leave you alone"
*CLICK*
Can you guess which one was me? Yeah, I hung up on my friend. I don't know what possesed me to do that. I am really disappointed in myself.
Two minutes later...text message: "I wasn't even annoyed...until you hung up on me."
I called back. I said I was sorry. All I got was a mumble, and an ominious *click*. I am not sure if he was asleep or just didn't want to hear my crap. And this made me feel awful. The person is one of my best friends, and I can't bear to be so mean...
Regret. Sometimes I just go crazy. I care for someone so much, I can't handle them not wanting to hang out with me. I think it has to do with my self-esteem. I assume that if that person doesn't want to do something with me, they automatically hate me. That is the worst thing ever. I can't help myself. I shouldn't require or want constant attention from people I care about. It's all about balance.
Well, this got me so angry, that I couldn't stay in the apartment. Because we were planning on running, I just decided that it would be better for me to start the run. I had to get my anger out, and running, strangely enough, made me feel better. I don't know what it was, the cold air, my adrenaline pumping, but I cleared my mind...and my heart. But, I was so angry (about something so stupid) that yes, I did, I ran the path of rape hill. I was feeling so crappy that I just wanted to get hurt. I wanted something to happen to me. I felt that no one would care--or even notice. Of course, these thoughts are completely irrational and crazy, but I just couldn't help it.
I sat on a bench in the walkway and sobbed. I was angry at myself for being so mean, for being so insensitive, for reacting like a psycho. I prayed to my Heavenly Father asking him for help. I never have felt to vulnerable in my life. Never have I wanted to be accepted by someone so badly.
I ran back to the stairs where my lovely, angelic roommates were calling my name and going crazy looking for me. I love them. But I only wish I could fix the problem I created. I don't know why I care so much about this person.
It is now 4 am. I can't sleep. But I don't know what to do...
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